I like heavy metal. I always have. I’ve never been ashamed to admit it, even when rap and techno got big and it got kinda’ not cool to like metal. Sure, my tastes have broadened over the years, but there’s just something about the loud, primal aggression of metal that keeps me coming back. For me, there’s no better way to exorcise my frustrations than to turn it up and listen to someone scream about how pissed-off he is at life. It just makes me feel better.
Tomorrow marks the inauguration of Heavy MTL, a two-day heavy metal festival here in Montreal featuring some of the biggest names around (like Iron Maiden, Anthrax, and Motley Crue to name a few). While I couldn’t bring myself to pay the cost of admission, my devil-horn fingers are itchin’ to be raised high in the air.
So in honor of the event, here it is… the Top 15 Heavy Metal Bands of All-Time.
Why 15? ‘Cause it’s two more than 13 and 13 is evil… and that’s metal.
#15: Slipknot
They’re heavier than death. They’re uglier than hell. They’re obsessed with serial killers and mass murder. They have song titles like “People=Shit”. Yup, this is metal at its best.
#14: Tool
Combine equal parts cynicism, precision, bludgeoning, blistering, and add a whole lotta’ smarts and you’ve got Tool. What can you say about a band that sings about how an increase in chromosomes to 46 & 2 will lead to the next step in human evolution? Sometimes I actually feel dumb after listening to Tool. Then I feel stupider for over-thinking things. Then I feel even worse for not realizing that “stupider” isn’t a real word.
#13: Judas Priest
To tell you the truth, other than some of their bigger singles, I was never a big Judas Priest fan. But you’ve got to give credit where it’s due. I mean, c’mon… Leather? Spikes? High-pitched vocals? If it looks like metal and it smells like metal, chances are it is metal.
#12: Korn
The “nu-metal” genre had to be represented here somehow, and it might as well be Korn. They pretty much had the whole “moan-through-the-verse / scream-through-the-chorus” thing mastered. But really, you can just insert your favorite nu-metal band here.
#11: Marilyn Manson
Kids loved him. Christians hated him. Parents were afraid of him. Sounds like metal to me.
#10: Children of Bodom
The thing with black-metal is that sometimes its obsession with death and extreme brutality becomes so over-the-top that it’s almost laughable. But while other black metal bands are busy burning down churches and murdering bandmates to prove how “evil” they are (true stories), Children of Bodom deliver all the doom and gloom with a bit of a wink and a nod that makes it a little easier to take seriously. I know, that’s called irony.
#9: Fear Factory
What metal will sound like when humans are replaced by cyborgs. I just like them. This is my list. I don’t have to explain everything.
#8: Rob Zombie
Horror movies and metal go together like blood and guts. And nobody knows it better than Rob Zombie. Long before he was spending a reported $78-million dollars on his “re-imagining” of the classic Halloween movie, Rob was making us shake our asses to the irresistible super-sexy-swinging-sounds of White Zombie. Taking the half-tempo “mosh” sections of thrash and speed metal songs, Rob and co. gave us metal we could groove to. Since going solo, Rob’s blend of techno and the heaviest of heavy has kept on chugging. Sure, it’s dumb fun. But sometimes dumb fun is just, well…. fun.
#7: Alice Cooper
The original shock-rocker. I would’ve loved to have seen Alice back when he was chopping his own head off and making-out with corpses.
#6: Ministry
Metal is all about fist-in-the-air rebellion, and for over 25 years Al Jourgensen’s Ministry has been the flag-bearer for the revolution. Ministry’s fusion of industrial and metal in the late 80’s opened the doors for bands like Nine Inch Nails, but lately Al’s sound has become an all-out thrash-metal sonic assault. I mean, the guy put out a whole trilogy of albums dedicated to overthrowing the decadent government of George W. Bush. That’s metal right there.
#5: Pantera
If Tyler Durden from Fight Club were a real person, I think Pantera would be his favorite band. They just make you want to beat the crap out of someone. Or work-out. Then again, working-out is really just beating the crap out of yourself. So either way, Pantera would be the perfect soundtrack to a beating.
#4: Slayer
Long before Scandinavian black-metal bands started caking on their face-paint, Slayer was scaring the crap out of the world with their images of demons, sadism, murder, violence, and war. Combining punk’s aggression with thrash’s heaviness, Slayer’s blistering double kick-drum assault virtually laid the blueprint for today’s most extreme metal bands. And Tom Araya’s scream at the beginning of “Angel of Death” remains one of the most metal moments of all-time. Period.
#3: Iron Maiden
Gone are the striped spandex of their 80’s era, but the Maiden legacy lives on. Plus, they’ve always had the coolest mascot around.
#2: Metallica
It’s become fashionable to hate on Metallica. I’ve got to admit, they’ve made it pretty easy for us too. I mean, with the Napster lawsuit, the trying-too-hard new albums, and the band therapy sessions, it’s hard not to snicker. But I don’t care who you are, Master of Puppets is still one of the greatest metal albums of all-time. And hey, Kirk Hammett being behind the animated show Metalocalypse is pretty cool.
#1: Black Sabbath
All hail the dark lords of doom! The band that started it all. The masters of darkness. Some people say that after Sabbath, every heavy metal song ever written has really just been a Sabbath song sped-up or detuned. What can you say about the band that gave us “Paranoid” and “Iron Man? You don’t say anything. You just kneel and worship.
So there it is. My two-cents on the greatest metal bands of all-time. Some people may argue with my choices and many probably will. That’s okay. I’m just going to frown, chug a beer, and give you the finger.
‘Cause that’s metal.